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“Dear Adenike”,

I was wondering if you could help me. I’m a female who has struggled to have close female friends most of her life. I’ve often found with females that they can be rather untrustworthy , don’t understand the value of friendship or just don’t demonstrate the loyalty expected. I’ve noticed that these preconceptions I have, have stopped me from building strong relationships with other females and it’s becoming a real problem. What do you think I can/should do about this? 

Mary, Welling

Hey Mary,

Let me start by saying; YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Many women have this problem as a result of past hurts, experiences and failures. So rather than go back to anything remotely similar to what they may have experienced in the past, they choose to safeguard themselves by staying well and truly away.

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In the media, women are depicted as nothing more than backstabbing, untrustworthy and unstable gossips! It’s no surprise more and more women shy away from the idea of building healthy and authentic friendships. But the truth is, you cannot tarnish ALL women with the same brush. Yes, you are going to come across some really nasty or negative females. Yes, you may have ALREADY been hurt, but that doesn’t mean other women will always hurt you. You have NEED to change your mindset to these things.

” Dont become so well adjusted to the culture that you fit into it without even thinking. Instead, fix your attention on God. You’ll be changed from the inside out…” – Romans 12:2 MSG

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Mary, if you go into ANY relationship with a negative perspective, don’t be surprised when these things manifest themselves in your life. Allow the Word of God, that encourages you to walk in LOVE as opposed to fear, to have it’s way in your life and your friendships so that you begin to form new thought patterns when it comes to other women. 

You deserve good, wholesome and and fun friendships that will not only encourage you but inspire you. YES, I did just say INSPIRE you, because I really do believe a good friend encourages and inspires you to be more and do more. Good friends are NOT belittling and envious, they support you and uplift you. But you will only see this if you renew your mind to the Word of God and make yourself available to new friendships from women.

God wants you to let go off your past and embrace the possibility of great female friends in your future.  So Mary, its time to get rid of the negative images of the sisterhood that you may have (unintentionally) built up in your mind and press on to better friendships.

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In the meantime, here are a few practical ways to help you build healthier friendships with other females that I think may help you:

1. Reach out to another female whom you know may be going through a tough time right now. This could be the perfect time to send that encouraging text or even visit. You never know where a simple act of (intentional) kindness will take you (and your friendship!)

2.Take a risk…Hear me OUT!  I say this because that’s what MY best friend did with me.  I didn’t have a good track record when it came to friendship. I had a very BIG mouth so your secrets were safe with me for no more than 2 SECONDS! ( I am VERY sorry!) However, by the grace of God and ONLY by the grace of God, my story changed and I have learnt the importance of trust in a friendship! And, 11 years down the line, my best friend KNOWS she made the right call in taking a risk (Isn’t that right!) Take a risk my friend…

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3. …But don’t be silly! Go into a new friendship as you would ANY relationship: with your eyes WIDE open. If you see that your offer of friendship isn’t yielding the fruit you hoped for, then maybe its time to move on to new (healthier) pastures.

4. And finally...become the friend that YOU desire to have. If its loyalty that you want in a friend then start sowing seeds of loyalty TODAY! Make a commitment to remain loyal DESPITE what happens. Remember, like attracts like so if what you know you want loyal friends then start by becoming the friend you would like to have.

I hope these help you Mary, and I pray that you would start building, healthy, loyal and fun friendships in the future. 

Dont forget guys, if you or anyone else has a question for me OR you would like to join me for our next NWM meeting, then please email me at: Adenikenwm@gmail.com. We have a meeting on 13/09/13 in Thamesmead, SE28, so if you can, you should join us! 

Peace out dudes xxx

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